Hello again everyone, it's been so long since the last time.
If you know my personality well enough by now, you'd have figured out my fascination for knowledge more than people and socializing. I do a bit of overthinking, and the year is finally coming to a close.

As trusted folks, I'll be sharing some more heavy material, as my work will be making a shift now and then in accordance to the work I'm doing at school and personally. Bare with me.

This year has not been as kind as I could have wished, but due to the ignorance I face day to day, I've grown far beyond my generation. My brilliance as a person seems to be growing, and has been confirmed by many professors, colleges, friends, and other individuals I meet along my wandering. Accepting this much alone is a little difficult. I've read into more about my personality in terms of psychology. A fun little test always helps you know more about yourself now and then. As an INTJ, the "Mastermind" as we're known, is not so far beyond what I would hope to grow into, speaking of mental and intellectual state. However, it can cause grand isolation, especially when I begin to ponder on the minorities I pertain to, the identity I constantly shape, and the social norms I will never fit into. Continuously I am confronted with a doxa-obsessed society that reeks of a false truth in the lens of what it means to be human, or lack there of. Capital violence is everywhere, and day by day I am more and more disappointed and disillusioned with the people around me. It causes my stress, my lack of esteem, and my gender dysphoria, let alone my egotistic existential selfless belittling.

In comparison with my other journal entries, I'll make this a little shorter, for my companions are all tired, and have finally taken the chance to rest their bodies and minds as the winter cools our heavy hearts with the ending of the year. If they wish to read this, I promise you all a goodnight sleep without worry. Rather, I'll be linking to previous discussions and rambles I would have had here, if I had a lack of a tumblr life.

To begin with the most recent event, I was invited with my favorite professor to coffee to continue our discussions on critical theory. For the first time in two years, I remember what it's like to speak someone with such a similar mentality to mine. We spoke of so many things to clear up so much of my confusion and depressive realism I was tackling a few days before. It had gotten worse and worse, here you could read the night I was so upset, and the 'why' of it's trigger is left unsaid for personal reasons. [link]

After a few people personally contacted me trying to do what they could, it was obvious I wasn't going to get the help I needed. I've tried talking with other people, getting information from the now (and still) white male-centric, homonormative gender binary consumer-elitist Gay community of San Francisco; The Castro, I've tried to speak with my parents who wish to pretend nothing is happening, have spoken about what I can with my friends with limited knowledge, have researched the libraries for self-help and found almost none, attempted to find conversationalists at school who were to shallow in their assumptions and mental states of school, and have been to a therapist multiple times only to find out how little she knew of my situation with gender and queer theory. It all kept collapsing on me, and I'd have these horrible outbursts, being constantly angry with everyone around me. I had somehow made it a habit to automatically belittle and despise individuals who assumed anything of me in negative ways. One night got particularly bad, in which I bring up racism, misogyny, sexism, cissexism, transphobia, sex-shaming, and rape-culture. [link]

During my moments of gender dysphoria, I would try to reach for an audience farther from myself, the audience of the anonymous. The online virtual one without much judgement or expectations, and rather oddly, more people came to me asking for advice. Ironically, the situation resulted in me remaining somewhat still confused by at ease, and the other people becoming more educated. Here is one particular person in which I spilled perhaps too much information, but was satisfied enough after 10+ people asked for clarifications and help. [link]

If you're still with me, I would only hope if you had the chance of reading any of the three links, you would have read the first one. The nights during college finals week, where I sobbed every fucking night, overly sensitive to any bigotry thrown my way. I was tired of pretending to ignore or have to defend or argue with why I thought things were not okay to say or do. And to be ignored....my mask only stays up for so long. Ever. Single. Night. I would come home so upset from the classism, the sexism, the homophobia, transphobia, fatphobia, slut-shaming, racism, .... I could go on and on. But to think certain people would still say "that's so gay," "fag," "retarded," "no homo," etc. is beyond me. It is beyond me to think that people who should have college level mentality are either choosing to be consciously ignorant or are really that fucking stupid. It is just BEYOND me to believe I have to share a safe space I believed was for learning, to hear this. And if I couldn't take the joke, I was just bitter for my age. Lovely.

Luckily, I have my actual friends, which I am so thankful for the universe to have. It isn't that I can't find friends in college. The problem is I've already found them. The best of friends I could wish for. They're all just so far away. Thank science that other forms of communication exist, so each and every week we all keep each other sane. I've talked to each and every one of them, they all have very similar issues with their companions. Goodness for it being winter, there is more chance for communication these days, along with this festive yet nostalgic and melancholic month full of contradictions, hypocrisy, consumerism, lies, religious bigotry, and childish memories. I never know if I want to love or hate this time of the year, because that love/hatred I always end up self-inflicting.

Returning to address the first linked argument of confusion, I can only say I am doing better for the sole reason of my friends and family existing. A large part of it includes meeting with my professor, and how much I've learned thanks to hir. If I can just say, ze is the ideal person I would love to become, despite the hardships, the more dramatic changes, and the violence I would have to face. Our disrespect of dogma, our disbelief in permanence when it comes to marriage, children, and relationships, our shared belief in political issues, our discontent with the othering of people like us who cannot fit into the social norm of gender or sexuality, our disconnect with the simple term of LGBT because we do not fit under either of those, our constantly questioned identity, our bodily hatred derived from the views of others, never originated from ourselves, our dismantling of the family system, our holdings on the love of philosophy, critical analysis, literature, art, and activism....just EVERYTHING. I swear I was going to cry about six times within those two and a half most brilliant hours of my life right then and there.
Ze's even spoken of me as one of hir best and rare students with more potential. Egotistic or not, I can proudly say I do know more, and care more for what I'm learning than those around me. It's painfully obvious. And for that, I treasure that my little self-esteem grows from my knowledge that I know more than other people. And I will always pride myself on that. It has definitely isolated people like hir and I, but when you finally find that group of people that intellectually click, it is such a beautiful and intimate moment of trust with these potentially wonderful family kindred individuals. I have found that moment of intimacy with my few best friends, and now one more person. Ze's already invited me over for the anarchist Food Not Bombs meet up every week, to hir house for breakfast, and a personal invite to hir literature and art activism group that takes place at hir house every once in a while. In the meantime, there were some questions as to where I plan on aiming my degree in art. Ze suggests I would be wonderful at critical theory and gender studies should I ever choose to stray from the path of art as more than a personal method of breathing in this life. Sheesh, we even share same views on life. ([link] See #72)

It's terrifyingly amazing.
I am in complete awe.
I want to be hir.
I would absolutely love to fall in love with someone like hir.
For now, it seems more admiration than anything. Of all people, I'd be the least to believe in something as trivial as love at first site. Please. So do not come running into my face spewing about giddy girly crushes when it's all that is important to you, especially when I think you'd be important enough to share such information with. Slow a little more respect and at least try to hid how shallow you love being. Please and thank you.
It is definitely the level of vulnerability that I fall in love with. Have you ever fallen in love with concept? The idea of someone? The concept of love itself? It's something like that. This intimate moment I share with people, where suddenly they open up to me, and we are on the same level of vulnerability. It does something to me, and it brings me to a level where I can love them completely. As mentioned, I've only found this with a limited amount of people, as I probably should. But it is with my closest of friends. I worry as to ever finding someone to love I can potentially love back. So far, anyone that has tried to reach me in that sense has disillusioned me, or disinterested me based on materialistic shallowness. My standards are high, as should they be for someone who values themselves enough to an extend without it being mistaken for selfishness.

In the end, I look back, it's the end of the year. A whole year has past since my horrible accident. A year since my disconnection with my generation. A year since these discoveries. I read back my favorite quote, and remember why I cherish it. And when I think of myself, I still believe I can never love another until I love myself truly. And there is no one that hates me more than myself.
(Fun fact: it is why Blaine is my favorite character. I am not quite a fan of Glee. But I am a die-hard fan and stan for Klaine, Blaine, and Chris Colfer for the respect I have behind the creation and handling of these fictional lives that breathe as much as anyone I've met.)

And really thinking about it, ever since I heard it, this quote will always be true to me:  "I have this weird self-esteem problem, where I hate myself, but I still think I'm better than everyone else."

I'm still on edge as to what will become of me, but from my teacher's analogy of the wanderer of life, I will remain a wanderer and hold onto the little I find important, and wish the rest nothing more than the bitter taste of their bigotry, reality, and a bit of educating.

Until the next year, stay warm, stay wonderful, and please take mental and emotional care.

Have nostalgic winter festivities!

With melancholy,

Mig signing out.